let me begin by saying that this will be by no means the entirety of the chaos inside my feeble brain. however this is a mere snap shot - and it is my prayer that this picture i provide will be able to tell the thousand words that i, in no way, am able to articulate.
i am in desperate need of Him. when i feel like everything my mind has ever been steadfast on becomes like sand, He is my one source of foundation. for so many years i have convinced myself that i would never find true love. that my calloused heart was surrounded by walls too thick for anyone to ever penetrate. He just laughs. He laughs because that is funny to Him. To someone who has wooed me from day one, He laughs at me when i say i've built walls too thick and strong to break down.
i've never been in love. never tasted it. never seen it in my life. never known it. used to believe in it. but sadly have grown to reject the thought of it ever happening to me. i think that was my way of protecting myself. if i just believed hard enough, i would never have to take the greatest risk of my life, i would essentially reject love. to me it wasn't worth it. i struggle to be vulnerable as it is. factoring love in there just wasn't going to happen.
well. my plans have changed. i am in love. and i know this because of one reason: i am more drawn to Jesus now more than ever before. i am aching to abide. i am in a place of so much vulnerability that i physically FEEL my heart beating faster. pounding. loving someone, and accepting their love is easy for some people, but i feel the reason why God designed me to be this way is to bring Himself the MAXIMUM amount of glory possible. there is not a MOMENT that goes by that i don't realize my reliance on Him. my sufficiency is in Him. my trust and hope and future is in Him. loving Garrett is the hardest thing i've ever done. but it's been the most amazing and fruitful thing in my spiritual life thus far. realizing this growing love for him has opened up a whole new realm of my relationship with the Lord. I have never known God's love for me more than i do now. i have never FELT this much longing to be with Him. don't get me wrong. i've longed for Him before. i've THOUGHT i loved Him and understood His love for me. but now, now i feel like i am playing a whole different ball game. one that involves so much more risk, but also so much more reward. i feel like i have finally found my one True Love. the love that has been so graciously lavished on me my whole life - i found it. each day i am realizing more about His love than i have the day before.
Christ's love is relentless. it always has been and always will be. it is deeper than we will ever know, stronger than we could ever handle, and more powerful than any wall we could ever attempt to build to keep it out. He loves with what is called reckless abandonment. regardless of the cost, regardless of the risk involved, regardless of the 'what if', he loves recklessly, thoroughly and for forever.
this is the love that is growing inside me. i will never reach it, or even come close, but for my whole life, this is what i aspire to be working on. to love as Christ loves - with reckless abandonment - regardless of the cost, regardless of the risk, and for forever.
12.28.2008
12.15.2008
in honor
i stole this from emelio's blog. but this is awesome. esp for those of us who are pinching pennies for no good reason this christmas. check this out:
12.11.2008
the substitute.
so i had my very first substitute teaching job today. this is how it all started.
last night. i spent the latter part of my evening by myself reading slash writing. and i decided to let my precious kitty fifi sleep on my bed. at 6:05am she begins to crawl all over my head and neck trying to wake me up. she loudly jumps off my bed with a feline puff and starts sniffing and exploring around. so after about 45 minutes of this madness i finally throw off my covers and open my door. as soon as my head hits the pillow my phone starts ringing. i am furious. who the crap is calling me before 7am?! then i checked the area code and realized it's probably someone offering me a sub job!
so i perk up, and answer. sure enough: kindergarteners.... but, i'm desperate so i said SURE! i quickly ran out of my room to get ready, met my mom in the hallway, and asked her to get pliers and fishing line, i got a sub job! my dad thought it was for some project i had been asked to lead during class, little did he know it was to take my lip ring out! so by 7:45am i was on the road!
i showed up to the school no more than 10 minutes later considering porterville is THAT small, and started my day.
the kids come in. and smell like poop. do all kindergarteners smell like poop? i don't seem to remember smelling like poop back then but maybe i did, who knows. i honestly felt like everyone this morning pooped themselves before walking in the door. so bad.
after such a CRAZY day, here are some of my favorite quotes slash stories:
1. "miss b miss b! before we leave everyone has to use the handitizer!!"
2. the word of the week this week is "have": "I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON!"
3. "miss b, dayton said chi chi"
4. i read a pop up book to my second class, and after every time i turned the page to unveil a new pop up, simultaneously in great harmony, the entire class exclaimed "WHOAAAAA!!!!!!".....everytime. i laughed to myself. i honestly couldn't help it.
too much!
but i will never do that again.
....ever.
last night. i spent the latter part of my evening by myself reading slash writing. and i decided to let my precious kitty fifi sleep on my bed. at 6:05am she begins to crawl all over my head and neck trying to wake me up. she loudly jumps off my bed with a feline puff and starts sniffing and exploring around. so after about 45 minutes of this madness i finally throw off my covers and open my door. as soon as my head hits the pillow my phone starts ringing. i am furious. who the crap is calling me before 7am?! then i checked the area code and realized it's probably someone offering me a sub job!
so i perk up, and answer. sure enough: kindergarteners.... but, i'm desperate so i said SURE! i quickly ran out of my room to get ready, met my mom in the hallway, and asked her to get pliers and fishing line, i got a sub job! my dad thought it was for some project i had been asked to lead during class, little did he know it was to take my lip ring out! so by 7:45am i was on the road!
i showed up to the school no more than 10 minutes later considering porterville is THAT small, and started my day.
the kids come in. and smell like poop. do all kindergarteners smell like poop? i don't seem to remember smelling like poop back then but maybe i did, who knows. i honestly felt like everyone this morning pooped themselves before walking in the door. so bad.
after such a CRAZY day, here are some of my favorite quotes slash stories:
1. "miss b miss b! before we leave everyone has to use the handitizer!!"
2. the word of the week this week is "have": "I HAVE A BELLY BUTTON!"
3. "miss b, dayton said chi chi"
4. i read a pop up book to my second class, and after every time i turned the page to unveil a new pop up, simultaneously in great harmony, the entire class exclaimed "WHOAAAAA!!!!!!".....everytime. i laughed to myself. i honestly couldn't help it.
too much!
but i will never do that again.
....ever.
12.10.2008
the anthem
who am i that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name. would care to feel my hurt. who am i that the Bright and Morning Star would choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart. not because of who i am, but because of what He's done, not because of what i've done, but because of who He is. who am i that the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again. who am i that the voice who calmed the sea would call out in the rain and calm the storm in me. i am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. a wave tossed in the ocean. a vapor in the wind. but still He hears me when i'm calling, catches me when i'm falling. and has told me who i am. I am HIS.
I AM HIS.
casting crowns.
12.05.2008
all that the rain brings
in this awesome change of season, santa cruz is getting some really cool weather....literally. as the leaves are changing colors and the temperatures are dropping, it's starting to rain. and rain, for outdoor science naturalists means one thing: MUSHROOMS!
if you've ever seen planet earth, particularly the episode on fungi, you might also appreciate the unique beauty of/for mushrooms. the reason for this great affinity is because for the entire dry part of the year, the fungi is resting silently underground. and only until AFTER the first big rain, do the fruiting bodies (otherwise known as mushrooms) sprout up from the ground in their glorious presentations. so for the past few weeks (after our big rain) we have been walking around mushroom hunting. and it has been amazing what we have found in our own backyards! here are a few pictures of some we've come upon:
Blewit:
i recovered this one on extended hike yesterday afternoon
Fly Amanita:
saw this yesterday too
Panther Amanita:
found by our principle this week. (causes altered states of consciousness....) :)
And lastly but certainly not leastly, while teaching survival skills, specifically while building forts, i came across a cute Arboreal Salamander who is now safely resting in our amphibian terrarium.
these are just a few of many changes that are occurring in my physical world. there will be more to come about what else is going on, but until then to keep you on the edge of your seat just know that when it rains...it pours...
:)
if you've ever seen planet earth, particularly the episode on fungi, you might also appreciate the unique beauty of/for mushrooms. the reason for this great affinity is because for the entire dry part of the year, the fungi is resting silently underground. and only until AFTER the first big rain, do the fruiting bodies (otherwise known as mushrooms) sprout up from the ground in their glorious presentations. so for the past few weeks (after our big rain) we have been walking around mushroom hunting. and it has been amazing what we have found in our own backyards! here are a few pictures of some we've come upon:
Blewit:
i recovered this one on extended hike yesterday afternoon
Fly Amanita:
saw this yesterday too
Panther Amanita:
found by our principle this week. (causes altered states of consciousness....) :)
And lastly but certainly not leastly, while teaching survival skills, specifically while building forts, i came across a cute Arboreal Salamander who is now safely resting in our amphibian terrarium.
these are just a few of many changes that are occurring in my physical world. there will be more to come about what else is going on, but until then to keep you on the edge of your seat just know that when it rains...it pours...
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)