insight into my 2 year+ struggle.
{the proverbial} Today, God is calling me to believe there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, to remind myself there is nothing that i have done, or that has been done to me, that God cannot redeem, to accept forgiveness from God and for myself, to be free from the bondage of guilt and shame, to remember my identity is not marked by my past or future, but lies in He who is righteous, and to live in the fullness of His gracious, merciful, abundant, and unconditional love for me.
an attempt to save paper
1.10.2012
3.26.2011
valley of vision
Lord.
high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where i live in the depths but see Thee in the heights.
hemmed in by mountains of sin i behold Thy glory.
let me learn by paradox..
the way down is the way up.
that to be low is to be high.
that the broken heart is the healed heart.
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit.
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul.
that to have nothing is to possess all.
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown.
that to give is to receive.
that the valley is the place of vision.
let me find thy light in darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where i live in the depths but see Thee in the heights.
hemmed in by mountains of sin i behold Thy glory.
let me learn by paradox..
the way down is the way up.
that to be low is to be high.
that the broken heart is the healed heart.
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit.
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul.
that to have nothing is to possess all.
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown.
that to give is to receive.
that the valley is the place of vision.
let me find thy light in darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
2.04.2011
heart corruptions.
the last year i have been undoubtedly hit with some huge challenges. all have taken a long time to overcome and none without the power of His strength through it all. I have come to know God in such a new way, one that i've never experienced before. Being married has definitely helped grow the area of knowledge of His character because of what a godly man i married, but looking back on the last year i have been faced with truly understanding some of the most incredible faces of the Lord - mainly, mercy. Even though i don't understand it, i can somewhat grasp the concept of grace because that's what God demonstrated to us by giving us His son as a ransom for our sin. We have the opportunity to get something we don't deserve - we get Christ, which in turn, we get eternal life...what??? But nonetheless i have heard this many times and have also personally experienced it, so this concept to me is not catastrophically new. However, the idea of mercy has really hit me this year - not getting what i DO deserve.
The last year i have prayed for the Lord to simply break me. Break me in the areas where there is sin and flesh, and replace those areas with HIM - i was scared out of my mind to pray that, but i was at the point where I was disgusted with myself and wanted change. And He truly is faithful to answer prayer! He reemed me last year. Back and forth, back and forth, one thing after another after another. Brokenness - utter brokenness. I have never experienced anything like it before. All the while the only thing i could cling to was His word. Memorizing verses, listening to sermons, reading constantly - all i wanted was more and more because i KNEW He was changing me, making me into someone better, making me more like Him.
I would like to mention at this point that i have most definitely not "arrived", of course i'm still on this journey, but i feel like i'm at the point where i can come up and take a short breath of air. I am still (and hopefully ALWAYS) undergoing dramatic change but i actually have a moment to document it all so this is why i'm writing this.
i think the concept of mercy pinned me up against the wall when i truly realized the depth of my depravity. i mean, the true profoundness to my sin. i have always been aware of it, and have known what depravity is for what seems like forever, but something just clicked. and i believe i've narrowed it down as simple as i can: to the sin of a wavering heart. one, that on a bad day would put anything before devotion to the Lord. and we've all been there, we've all done this, but when i took a hard, honest, humble glance at myself, i realized my heart is all over the place. I've realized that even on a good day, where i feel like i've done the best i could do to incorporate God in my day, have His word hidden in my heart, speak of His truths, and win souls for Him, even then, all of that "good" was not of my own doing but HIS! So really, there is nothing about me that is good except for Him that dwells in me, and whatever is good that comes from me is not me, but Him. (ha. do i sound like paul?? :) but seriously, why do we boast so much and so frequently in ourselves?! we've got nothing to offer!!)
I deserve hell for what i've done. i certainly do not deserve Jesus. but yet God had mercy on me, and while He knew i would sin against Him and break His heart for my entire life, He gave me Jesus anyway.
wow.
I know this is a total bummer of a topic, but this is REAL. this is what the Lord does. He makes us nothing so He becomes everything. and if He is not everything to you my friend, i mean, everything, you should really think about who you truly are, and what you truly have. My challenge to you is if you are sick of yourself, and want nothing more than to change, pray that God would change you, because it would be His pleasure for you to willfully offer yourself up to be broken of yourself, and rebuilt in Christ. But be careful! That is a scary prayer! But if you endure, He is faithful, and He will do it!
The last thing i'll leave you with is this prayer from Valley of Vision. It caught my eye because this has been my life recently and i identify with this so deeply.
O God,
May thy Spirit speak in me that i may speak to thee.
I have no merit, let the merit of Jesus stand for me.
I am undeserving, but I look to thy tender mercy.
I am full of infirmities, wants, sin; thou art full of grace.
I confess my sin, my frequent sin, my willful sin.
All my powers of body and soul are defiled,
a fountain of pollution is deep within my being.
I am utterly ashamed that i am what i am in myself.
Lord, dost thou have mercy on me?
Thou has struck a heavy blow at my pride, at the false god of self,
and i lie in pieces before thee.
But thou has given me another Master and Lord, thy Son, Jesus,
and now my heart is turned towards holiness,
towards complete obedience to thee.
Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride.
Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life,
from everything that seems natural to fallen man,
and let Christ's nature be seen in me day by day.
Grant me grace to bear they will without repining,
and delight to be not only chiseled, squared, or fashioned,
but separated from the old rock where i have been embedded so long,
and lifted from the quarry into the upper air,
where i may be built in Christ forever.
Lord, thank you for your mercy.
The last year i have prayed for the Lord to simply break me. Break me in the areas where there is sin and flesh, and replace those areas with HIM - i was scared out of my mind to pray that, but i was at the point where I was disgusted with myself and wanted change. And He truly is faithful to answer prayer! He reemed me last year. Back and forth, back and forth, one thing after another after another. Brokenness - utter brokenness. I have never experienced anything like it before. All the while the only thing i could cling to was His word. Memorizing verses, listening to sermons, reading constantly - all i wanted was more and more because i KNEW He was changing me, making me into someone better, making me more like Him.
I would like to mention at this point that i have most definitely not "arrived", of course i'm still on this journey, but i feel like i'm at the point where i can come up and take a short breath of air. I am still (and hopefully ALWAYS) undergoing dramatic change but i actually have a moment to document it all so this is why i'm writing this.
i think the concept of mercy pinned me up against the wall when i truly realized the depth of my depravity. i mean, the true profoundness to my sin. i have always been aware of it, and have known what depravity is for what seems like forever, but something just clicked. and i believe i've narrowed it down as simple as i can: to the sin of a wavering heart. one, that on a bad day would put anything before devotion to the Lord. and we've all been there, we've all done this, but when i took a hard, honest, humble glance at myself, i realized my heart is all over the place. I've realized that even on a good day, where i feel like i've done the best i could do to incorporate God in my day, have His word hidden in my heart, speak of His truths, and win souls for Him, even then, all of that "good" was not of my own doing but HIS! So really, there is nothing about me that is good except for Him that dwells in me, and whatever is good that comes from me is not me, but Him. (ha. do i sound like paul?? :) but seriously, why do we boast so much and so frequently in ourselves?! we've got nothing to offer!!)
I deserve hell for what i've done. i certainly do not deserve Jesus. but yet God had mercy on me, and while He knew i would sin against Him and break His heart for my entire life, He gave me Jesus anyway.
wow.
I know this is a total bummer of a topic, but this is REAL. this is what the Lord does. He makes us nothing so He becomes everything. and if He is not everything to you my friend, i mean, everything, you should really think about who you truly are, and what you truly have. My challenge to you is if you are sick of yourself, and want nothing more than to change, pray that God would change you, because it would be His pleasure for you to willfully offer yourself up to be broken of yourself, and rebuilt in Christ. But be careful! That is a scary prayer! But if you endure, He is faithful, and He will do it!
The last thing i'll leave you with is this prayer from Valley of Vision. It caught my eye because this has been my life recently and i identify with this so deeply.
O God,
May thy Spirit speak in me that i may speak to thee.
I have no merit, let the merit of Jesus stand for me.
I am undeserving, but I look to thy tender mercy.
I am full of infirmities, wants, sin; thou art full of grace.
I confess my sin, my frequent sin, my willful sin.
All my powers of body and soul are defiled,
a fountain of pollution is deep within my being.
I am utterly ashamed that i am what i am in myself.
Lord, dost thou have mercy on me?
Thou has struck a heavy blow at my pride, at the false god of self,
and i lie in pieces before thee.
But thou has given me another Master and Lord, thy Son, Jesus,
and now my heart is turned towards holiness,
towards complete obedience to thee.
Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride.
Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life,
from everything that seems natural to fallen man,
and let Christ's nature be seen in me day by day.
Grant me grace to bear they will without repining,
and delight to be not only chiseled, squared, or fashioned,
but separated from the old rock where i have been embedded so long,
and lifted from the quarry into the upper air,
where i may be built in Christ forever.
Lord, thank you for your mercy.
12.23.2010
all we need is...
gosh reading back through my old posts has been such a trip! taking me back to the days when i typed out those words, i remember all those feelings vividly. it's also come to my attention that i haven't written anything in almost 6 months and SO MUCH has happened! my first reaction is to attribute that to the busy life i now live. but really, even when the times have come to sit down and type, i have writer's block - i don't know what to write about! and more importantly even if i did have something to say, i always figure its not really anything good so why say it! so here is my attempt to appease the "masses". (all 3 of you who read this)
i will say this. looking back on this year, the Lord has showered me with blessings. every single one of them i don't deserve. most of my year has been enduring hardship, but with the right perspective, every single hardship can be seen as a blessing. i am thankful that He has taken the time to continually refine me, and that i can truly feel His Spirit changing my perspective when tough times arrive. i thank Him for the difficult, because it makes me not only appreciate the good, but also Him.
He has no reason to bless me like He does, but He is Love and Grace, both of which i am extremely familiar with. it's who He is!
I am currently finishing up a book by Kay Arthur called "Lord I want to know you" and it takes the reader through some of the names of God. I will say this, I am perturbed by the fluff of her writing, but content is soo good! it's really helped me learn what and where God's names are found. The context behind each name has really helped me understand Him on a whole new level! It's been fun during my day or during conversation, or even while reading, being able to think upon a name of God to help me or a friend understand Him in all situations. I love it!
Anyway. All of this to say, although now I'm considered a teacher by vocation, i will always consider myself a student. One who always seeks to learn more about Him period. And the more i learn about Him, the more in love with Him i fall.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.
He is ALL we need!
more to come (maybe)
i will say this. looking back on this year, the Lord has showered me with blessings. every single one of them i don't deserve. most of my year has been enduring hardship, but with the right perspective, every single hardship can be seen as a blessing. i am thankful that He has taken the time to continually refine me, and that i can truly feel His Spirit changing my perspective when tough times arrive. i thank Him for the difficult, because it makes me not only appreciate the good, but also Him.
He has no reason to bless me like He does, but He is Love and Grace, both of which i am extremely familiar with. it's who He is!
I am currently finishing up a book by Kay Arthur called "Lord I want to know you" and it takes the reader through some of the names of God. I will say this, I am perturbed by the fluff of her writing, but content is soo good! it's really helped me learn what and where God's names are found. The context behind each name has really helped me understand Him on a whole new level! It's been fun during my day or during conversation, or even while reading, being able to think upon a name of God to help me or a friend understand Him in all situations. I love it!
Anyway. All of this to say, although now I'm considered a teacher by vocation, i will always consider myself a student. One who always seeks to learn more about Him period. And the more i learn about Him, the more in love with Him i fall.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.
He is ALL we need!
more to come (maybe)
5.25.2010
advance
so yesterday I was 25, today I am 26. i have officially advanced a year in age.
my, what an interesting year of 25. definitely been the most challenged, experienced the most growth, undergone the most change, and have been forced to trust the Lord more than i ever have before. not only am i a year older, i've also closed a chapter in my life. a pretty significant one. a chapter in which it took 25 years of my life to mold and form me into what will soon be a wife. it took 25 years of my life, to break me into someone who is "ready" for marriage, ready for the next step - someone who will fight for purity, fight for vulnerability instead of against it, and fight for love.
someone who i never thought i'd be.
so now i advance to a new year and a brand new chapter. with even MORE to change me, and grow me, and break me, and cause me to trust....Wow.
this was read to me tonight, and it bears repeating -
Oh Lord,
Length of day does not profit me
except the days that are passed in thy presence,
in thy service, to thy glory.
Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I may not be one moment apart from thee,
but may rely on thy spirit to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire to show forth thy praise;
testify thy love,
advance thy kingdom.
I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
thee, O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my lamp burning,
my ear open to thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.
Give me thy grace to sanctify me,
thy comforts to cheer,
thy wisdom to teach,
thy right hand to guide,
thy counsel to instruct,
thy law to judge,
thy presence to stabilize.
May thy fear be my awe, and thy triumphs be my joy.
- Valley of Vision, New Year.
here's to a new year, a new chapter, a new life.
my, what an interesting year of 25. definitely been the most challenged, experienced the most growth, undergone the most change, and have been forced to trust the Lord more than i ever have before. not only am i a year older, i've also closed a chapter in my life. a pretty significant one. a chapter in which it took 25 years of my life to mold and form me into what will soon be a wife. it took 25 years of my life, to break me into someone who is "ready" for marriage, ready for the next step - someone who will fight for purity, fight for vulnerability instead of against it, and fight for love.
someone who i never thought i'd be.
so now i advance to a new year and a brand new chapter. with even MORE to change me, and grow me, and break me, and cause me to trust....Wow.
this was read to me tonight, and it bears repeating -
Oh Lord,
Length of day does not profit me
except the days that are passed in thy presence,
in thy service, to thy glory.
Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I may not be one moment apart from thee,
but may rely on thy spirit to supply every thought,
speak in every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire to show forth thy praise;
testify thy love,
advance thy kingdom.
I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with thee, O Father, as my harbour,
thee, O Son, at my helm,
thee, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.
Guide me to heaven with my lamp burning,
my ear open to thy calls,
my heart full of love,
my soul free.
Give me thy grace to sanctify me,
thy comforts to cheer,
thy wisdom to teach,
thy right hand to guide,
thy counsel to instruct,
thy law to judge,
thy presence to stabilize.
May thy fear be my awe, and thy triumphs be my joy.
- Valley of Vision, New Year.
here's to a new year, a new chapter, a new life.
5.05.2010
lessons. life lessons.
learning a lot these days.
some topics as of late:
1.vulnerability.
2. GRACE!
3. humility
4. gossip
5. pride
6. anxiety
7. trust
8. surrender
9. PRAYER
10. expectations
11. discipline
12. respect
13. honor
14. marriage :)
more to come. but that's a start. something you can ask me about if you want details :)
some topics as of late:
1.vulnerability.
2. GRACE!
3. humility
4. gossip
5. pride
6. anxiety
7. trust
8. surrender
9. PRAYER
10. expectations
11. discipline
12. respect
13. honor
14. marriage :)
more to come. but that's a start. something you can ask me about if you want details :)
3.18.2010
let it shine
this "short" story dates back to a couple weeks ago when I first got introduced to the students at Fresno High on a more consistent basis. One of the girls in my class on day 1 was not dressed out so of course I teased her about it asking why she wasn't dressed, and she proudly announced (along with her friends) that she is pregnant and can't participate in PE anymore. If you have ever worked for Fresno Unified, you would know how many kids lie to your face everyday about the most ridiculous things so this excuse came as no surprise and i said "yeah right, let's go or you lose points" only to find out that yes indeed she was pregnant..... Of course my first reaction is sympathy for her. A 15 year old girl, pregnant!! what?!?
since day 1 it's been a goal of mine to make a difference in these kids' lives, especially the ones who are failing. Its quite surprising how the students will respond if they just see that someone actually CARES about them! So many of these kids come from broken homes, or no homes at all. and so they not only slip through the cracks at school, but also in life. so i just want them know that i'm interested in their success, and that my job is to MOTIVATE THEM and make them better people! :)
well, while observing this particular 15 year old student, i can't help but think about what goes through her mind every day. i mean, what was it like for her to tell her parents? did she find out by herself? did she consider aborting it? what made her keep the baby? i mean in the world's eyes, these days that's (sadly) absolutely ludicrous to think about keeping a baby as a 15 year old! but there was something inside of her that decided to keep it...weird. but my mind often wanders when i'm watching the kids lift weights, or run miles around the track so this is what i think of as she sits under the tree watching the kids run by because she can't run.
well friday she was absent, and i made a big deal out of her being absent, commenting that she's probably ditching (like 60% of the student body tends to do on friday afternoons). So monday when i saw her i asked where she was and she gave me attitude telling me that she was at the doctor. well of course, this time i believed her, i mean, from what i've seen, she's a decent girl.
well today, one of her friends pulled me aside before class started, making known to everyone that she wanted to have a private conversation with me, telling me that the reason this particular girl was absent on friday was because she noticed bleeding and immediately went to the doctor and was told she lost the baby........
15 year old girl. miscarriage.
WHAT?!?!
how can this girl endure that?? and then come to school on monday?? she mentioned that her mom wants her to stay strong so shes making her go to school so she doesn't sit around and cry (even though it's obvious from the looks of her, and from her own admission) that she has been crying A LOT since friday.
anyway. this has weighed heavy on my heart today. and i know i can't do anything to fix it. of course i'm helpless which is fine, but still, my heart just breaks. and what's sad is that this is one of MANY. a student told me that the P.A.C.E. lab, which is a place where high school moms bring their kids during school so they can attend their classes, has about 15 babies in there. 15?? 15 high school girls are going to school AS MOMS!
heartbreaking.
one of many reasons why i'm DYING to get into the classroom. permanently. so if you read this, and can remember in your daily prayers, PLEASE pray for a job for me. Pray for a consistent full-time teaching job. and also pray for my student. she's 15 and has miscarried a child. and is now shoving her grief under a rug, in order to save face at school. :(
lastly, a childhood favorite toon comes to mind when i'm in situations like this:
since day 1 it's been a goal of mine to make a difference in these kids' lives, especially the ones who are failing. Its quite surprising how the students will respond if they just see that someone actually CARES about them! So many of these kids come from broken homes, or no homes at all. and so they not only slip through the cracks at school, but also in life. so i just want them know that i'm interested in their success, and that my job is to MOTIVATE THEM and make them better people! :)
well, while observing this particular 15 year old student, i can't help but think about what goes through her mind every day. i mean, what was it like for her to tell her parents? did she find out by herself? did she consider aborting it? what made her keep the baby? i mean in the world's eyes, these days that's (sadly) absolutely ludicrous to think about keeping a baby as a 15 year old! but there was something inside of her that decided to keep it...weird. but my mind often wanders when i'm watching the kids lift weights, or run miles around the track so this is what i think of as she sits under the tree watching the kids run by because she can't run.
well friday she was absent, and i made a big deal out of her being absent, commenting that she's probably ditching (like 60% of the student body tends to do on friday afternoons). So monday when i saw her i asked where she was and she gave me attitude telling me that she was at the doctor. well of course, this time i believed her, i mean, from what i've seen, she's a decent girl.
well today, one of her friends pulled me aside before class started, making known to everyone that she wanted to have a private conversation with me, telling me that the reason this particular girl was absent on friday was because she noticed bleeding and immediately went to the doctor and was told she lost the baby........
15 year old girl. miscarriage.
WHAT?!?!
how can this girl endure that?? and then come to school on monday?? she mentioned that her mom wants her to stay strong so shes making her go to school so she doesn't sit around and cry (even though it's obvious from the looks of her, and from her own admission) that she has been crying A LOT since friday.
anyway. this has weighed heavy on my heart today. and i know i can't do anything to fix it. of course i'm helpless which is fine, but still, my heart just breaks. and what's sad is that this is one of MANY. a student told me that the P.A.C.E. lab, which is a place where high school moms bring their kids during school so they can attend their classes, has about 15 babies in there. 15?? 15 high school girls are going to school AS MOMS!
heartbreaking.
one of many reasons why i'm DYING to get into the classroom. permanently. so if you read this, and can remember in your daily prayers, PLEASE pray for a job for me. Pray for a consistent full-time teaching job. and also pray for my student. she's 15 and has miscarried a child. and is now shoving her grief under a rug, in order to save face at school. :(
lastly, a childhood favorite toon comes to mind when i'm in situations like this:
**.....this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine. let it shine. let it shine. let it shine....**
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matt 5:14-16.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)