Lord.
high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where i live in the depths but see Thee in the heights.
hemmed in by mountains of sin i behold Thy glory.
let me learn by paradox..
the way down is the way up.
that to be low is to be high.
that the broken heart is the healed heart.
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit.
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul.
that to have nothing is to possess all.
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown.
that to give is to receive.
that the valley is the place of vision.
let me find thy light in darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
3.26.2011
2.04.2011
heart corruptions.
the last year i have been undoubtedly hit with some huge challenges. all have taken a long time to overcome and none without the power of His strength through it all. I have come to know God in such a new way, one that i've never experienced before. Being married has definitely helped grow the area of knowledge of His character because of what a godly man i married, but looking back on the last year i have been faced with truly understanding some of the most incredible faces of the Lord - mainly, mercy. Even though i don't understand it, i can somewhat grasp the concept of grace because that's what God demonstrated to us by giving us His son as a ransom for our sin. We have the opportunity to get something we don't deserve - we get Christ, which in turn, we get eternal life...what??? But nonetheless i have heard this many times and have also personally experienced it, so this concept to me is not catastrophically new. However, the idea of mercy has really hit me this year - not getting what i DO deserve.
The last year i have prayed for the Lord to simply break me. Break me in the areas where there is sin and flesh, and replace those areas with HIM - i was scared out of my mind to pray that, but i was at the point where I was disgusted with myself and wanted change. And He truly is faithful to answer prayer! He reemed me last year. Back and forth, back and forth, one thing after another after another. Brokenness - utter brokenness. I have never experienced anything like it before. All the while the only thing i could cling to was His word. Memorizing verses, listening to sermons, reading constantly - all i wanted was more and more because i KNEW He was changing me, making me into someone better, making me more like Him.
I would like to mention at this point that i have most definitely not "arrived", of course i'm still on this journey, but i feel like i'm at the point where i can come up and take a short breath of air. I am still (and hopefully ALWAYS) undergoing dramatic change but i actually have a moment to document it all so this is why i'm writing this.
i think the concept of mercy pinned me up against the wall when i truly realized the depth of my depravity. i mean, the true profoundness to my sin. i have always been aware of it, and have known what depravity is for what seems like forever, but something just clicked. and i believe i've narrowed it down as simple as i can: to the sin of a wavering heart. one, that on a bad day would put anything before devotion to the Lord. and we've all been there, we've all done this, but when i took a hard, honest, humble glance at myself, i realized my heart is all over the place. I've realized that even on a good day, where i feel like i've done the best i could do to incorporate God in my day, have His word hidden in my heart, speak of His truths, and win souls for Him, even then, all of that "good" was not of my own doing but HIS! So really, there is nothing about me that is good except for Him that dwells in me, and whatever is good that comes from me is not me, but Him. (ha. do i sound like paul?? :) but seriously, why do we boast so much and so frequently in ourselves?! we've got nothing to offer!!)
I deserve hell for what i've done. i certainly do not deserve Jesus. but yet God had mercy on me, and while He knew i would sin against Him and break His heart for my entire life, He gave me Jesus anyway.
wow.
I know this is a total bummer of a topic, but this is REAL. this is what the Lord does. He makes us nothing so He becomes everything. and if He is not everything to you my friend, i mean, everything, you should really think about who you truly are, and what you truly have. My challenge to you is if you are sick of yourself, and want nothing more than to change, pray that God would change you, because it would be His pleasure for you to willfully offer yourself up to be broken of yourself, and rebuilt in Christ. But be careful! That is a scary prayer! But if you endure, He is faithful, and He will do it!
The last thing i'll leave you with is this prayer from Valley of Vision. It caught my eye because this has been my life recently and i identify with this so deeply.
O God,
May thy Spirit speak in me that i may speak to thee.
I have no merit, let the merit of Jesus stand for me.
I am undeserving, but I look to thy tender mercy.
I am full of infirmities, wants, sin; thou art full of grace.
I confess my sin, my frequent sin, my willful sin.
All my powers of body and soul are defiled,
a fountain of pollution is deep within my being.
I am utterly ashamed that i am what i am in myself.
Lord, dost thou have mercy on me?
Thou has struck a heavy blow at my pride, at the false god of self,
and i lie in pieces before thee.
But thou has given me another Master and Lord, thy Son, Jesus,
and now my heart is turned towards holiness,
towards complete obedience to thee.
Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride.
Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life,
from everything that seems natural to fallen man,
and let Christ's nature be seen in me day by day.
Grant me grace to bear they will without repining,
and delight to be not only chiseled, squared, or fashioned,
but separated from the old rock where i have been embedded so long,
and lifted from the quarry into the upper air,
where i may be built in Christ forever.
Lord, thank you for your mercy.
The last year i have prayed for the Lord to simply break me. Break me in the areas where there is sin and flesh, and replace those areas with HIM - i was scared out of my mind to pray that, but i was at the point where I was disgusted with myself and wanted change. And He truly is faithful to answer prayer! He reemed me last year. Back and forth, back and forth, one thing after another after another. Brokenness - utter brokenness. I have never experienced anything like it before. All the while the only thing i could cling to was His word. Memorizing verses, listening to sermons, reading constantly - all i wanted was more and more because i KNEW He was changing me, making me into someone better, making me more like Him.
I would like to mention at this point that i have most definitely not "arrived", of course i'm still on this journey, but i feel like i'm at the point where i can come up and take a short breath of air. I am still (and hopefully ALWAYS) undergoing dramatic change but i actually have a moment to document it all so this is why i'm writing this.
i think the concept of mercy pinned me up against the wall when i truly realized the depth of my depravity. i mean, the true profoundness to my sin. i have always been aware of it, and have known what depravity is for what seems like forever, but something just clicked. and i believe i've narrowed it down as simple as i can: to the sin of a wavering heart. one, that on a bad day would put anything before devotion to the Lord. and we've all been there, we've all done this, but when i took a hard, honest, humble glance at myself, i realized my heart is all over the place. I've realized that even on a good day, where i feel like i've done the best i could do to incorporate God in my day, have His word hidden in my heart, speak of His truths, and win souls for Him, even then, all of that "good" was not of my own doing but HIS! So really, there is nothing about me that is good except for Him that dwells in me, and whatever is good that comes from me is not me, but Him. (ha. do i sound like paul?? :) but seriously, why do we boast so much and so frequently in ourselves?! we've got nothing to offer!!)
I deserve hell for what i've done. i certainly do not deserve Jesus. but yet God had mercy on me, and while He knew i would sin against Him and break His heart for my entire life, He gave me Jesus anyway.
wow.
I know this is a total bummer of a topic, but this is REAL. this is what the Lord does. He makes us nothing so He becomes everything. and if He is not everything to you my friend, i mean, everything, you should really think about who you truly are, and what you truly have. My challenge to you is if you are sick of yourself, and want nothing more than to change, pray that God would change you, because it would be His pleasure for you to willfully offer yourself up to be broken of yourself, and rebuilt in Christ. But be careful! That is a scary prayer! But if you endure, He is faithful, and He will do it!
The last thing i'll leave you with is this prayer from Valley of Vision. It caught my eye because this has been my life recently and i identify with this so deeply.
O God,
May thy Spirit speak in me that i may speak to thee.
I have no merit, let the merit of Jesus stand for me.
I am undeserving, but I look to thy tender mercy.
I am full of infirmities, wants, sin; thou art full of grace.
I confess my sin, my frequent sin, my willful sin.
All my powers of body and soul are defiled,
a fountain of pollution is deep within my being.
I am utterly ashamed that i am what i am in myself.
Lord, dost thou have mercy on me?
Thou has struck a heavy blow at my pride, at the false god of self,
and i lie in pieces before thee.
But thou has given me another Master and Lord, thy Son, Jesus,
and now my heart is turned towards holiness,
towards complete obedience to thee.
Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride.
Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life,
from everything that seems natural to fallen man,
and let Christ's nature be seen in me day by day.
Grant me grace to bear they will without repining,
and delight to be not only chiseled, squared, or fashioned,
but separated from the old rock where i have been embedded so long,
and lifted from the quarry into the upper air,
where i may be built in Christ forever.
Lord, thank you for your mercy.
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