- - - white noise - - -
i sleep with a fan on at night because the lull of the noise helps me fall asleep. it also drowns out any other noises that might wake someone at night. i used to have a fish tank, but with no fish, right next to my bed when i was in high school. this was because the noise from the filter was white noise, and it helped me sleep. but it also drowned out any other noise that might wake me.
white noise is considered meaningless or distracting commotion, hubbub, or chatter. static from a tv, the drone of a fan, the filter in a fish tank - all to drown out sometimes the ever-so-deafening noise of silence.
amongst all of the engagement hooplah, and busy schedules, and church, and tests, and jobs, and school, and friendships, i have realized that as of recently (within the past few months) i think i have acquired quite a severe hearing problem, culminating as of just a few days ago. what i mean, is that slowly over time, i began to drown out the noise my own heart was making, and fill it with this proverbial white noise, which came in the form of certain negative circumstances, or other people's opinions, or the fear of hurting someone or someones.... as the white noise went on, i forgot about what the voice of my own heart sounded like, and i became accustomed to this new noise, as if it were normal. and unfortunately, i have been rudely awakened by the silence i'm now experiencing as the white noise has instantaneously stopped. this silence, it is deafening now. it's actually kind of haunting. peaceful in a way, but definitely hard for my ears to adjust to. silence. and all i can hear now (thankfully) is my own voice. no longer masked by the noise of others or other circumstances. i feel so silly that it sounds so foreign, but i had no idea it had been going on this long and i had adjusted.
so now that i'm finding so much peace and strength in my own desires, convictions, and preferences i might as well make a declaration here, that if you are my friend/family member, i am most definitely going to disappoint you in some way shape or form regarding my wedding. and i am sorry to not meet your expectations, but i want you to prepare yourself to have a decent reaction for when that happens. it's guaranteed to happen, so be gracious with me and support me as i plan not only for an amazingly happy day, but more importantly an amazingly successful, God-centered marriage. i do appreciate your input and value all of your opinions, but the only thing i ask, is for support once we make our final decisions. trust that we are earnestly seeking the Lord in all decisions, and garrett and i will only be doing what we feel is the best.
i don't mean to come across harsh by any means, but i do want to share with you what's been on my heart, and ask you to pray for us as i'm sure we will encounter some tough situations in the next coming months.
it's good to hear my voice again. :)
i love you all!
p.s. i still sleep with the fan going. in case you're wondering if that stopped too :)