the pursuit

i am type A. i am a go-getter. i am an achiever at heart, and i strive to be intentional with those around me. i am relational. and in that, i understand the need to be needed, and the desire to be desired. i understand others want to feel important, want to feel loved. this is their story. not to be selfish, but to be normal. just to be loved and cared for. I understand this need. this leads me to be attentive and to listen. listen to those who speak to me. who tell me their stories because no one else will listen. i make a point of making people feel listened to. it's important that someone knows you're listening, sympathizing, reacting, engaging in the conversation. It makes them feel cared for, and important. because lets face it, everyone has a part inside them that wants someone to understand them, or at least just make them feel like they are important. This is what i do. i listen because most of the time i want to, but occasionally i don't want to, but i still listen. because in all reality, it's not about what i want. it's about them. it's about making them feel loved. it's about listening so intently that they feel they are the most important thing in my life at that moment. so i pursue. because i know that people desire that. "you wanna hit coffee?" "you wanna grab lunch?" "you wanna go talk?".... always engaging in the lives of others, intentionally.

but what about the flip side. what if i stopped? what would happen to those friendships if i just stopped. i'm tired of being intentional. i'm tired of listening. doesn't anyone care to ask me questions? doesn't anyone care to ask me to coffee? doesn't anyone care to make me feel like i am the most important thing in their life at that time?

this is selfish, i know, but everyone's got a little bit of selfish in them. it's just a complaint. sometimes it sucks being type A. sometimes it sucks being an achiever. sometimes i just wonder what would happen if i just stopped. who would step up and make the effort, and who would just let it slip away. sad to think about, but when i move away from this place, the truth about these friendships will speak volumes. all in all, sometimes i just get tired. when it comes down to the bottom of it, i will continue to pursue, i will continue to listen and engage, i will continue to be intentional. i just am running low, kinda bummed, and just need a hug!